It is a hard thing to admit when you’ve let your circumstances get the best of you. Both to yourself, and out loud. It is hard to admit when once again you have failed, and slipped back into that life. The one where you make unhealthy choices, and feel like crap. All because well you feel like crap.
I’ve been avoiding blogging for that very reason. However I made a promise that I would talk about the real, and raw parts of my journey. I would be completely honest about the ups, and the downs. So here I sit making this post. This post about me slipping right back where I started. Me sliding right back down that mountain.
I live with chronic pain, specifically facial nerve pain. My condition causes random frequent attacks of severe pain, and twitching to my face. It is like having a toothache, earache, headache, and throat infection all at the same time. Unfortunately because it is nerve pain I don’t have a whole lot of treatment options, and have to wait for it to pass most times. The pain can stay for as short as a few minutes to as long as a few weeks. It is horrible to deal with, and incredibly frustrating. It comes in like a wrecking ball, and destroys any progress I’ve made.
People tell me it’s okay, and it isn’t my fault. They tell me to just try again when I feel better. They tell me this because they feel bad that I live with chronic pain. They feel bad that my face has some sort of vendetta agaisnt me. They feel bad so they say its okay, but their wrong.
The truth is I made the decision to chow down on a burger instead of a salad once I felt good enough to eat. I chose to stay home and take selfies on days I felt better instead of going for that hike or restarting my exercise program. The truth is I chose to ignore this blog, and my declaration to stay on track. I chose to fail.
If I’m honest I don’t talk about my illness much. Once people know your sick they treat you as though you may break at any moment. I enjoy the no bullshit anwsers you get from people before they know. The normal anwsers non sick people get.
So here it is. Step 1 attempt # 3389. This time I’ve totally got this!